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Morning Television
posted on: 2008-07-01 at 10:46:00 AM
- The "Sea Bond" adhesive commercial physically hurts me [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PkC-q0_4gw8 ]
- Wilford Brimley used to look normal (like, back in the day when he pedaled oatmeal ... SNIFFFFFF .. SNIFFERIFIC) -- but now he looks like a pale walrus with a menacing scowl that could peel the chrome off a hitch-ball. When he talks, the only word I hear is "Diabetes," except it sounds like "Diahbeetus--" the rest is just deep gravely incoherent babble
- If the last guy who bids on the "Price is Right" thinks the item up for bids is more expensive than the previous three bidders -- ALWAYS bid one dollar over the highest bid. For twenty-five years, I've watched thousands of people fuck this one up -- speaking of the "Price is Right," why is Plinko the most exciting game? I've never seen anyone win a significant amount of money. Next to the $10,000 jackpot are $0 -- also $100, and $500. "You can win up to $50,000" is a goddamned pipe-dream, statistically
- The "Hover'ound" electric chair is not as awesome as they tout
- Betty White hasn't aged in over 30 years -- and is it sick that I sometimes fantasize about her?
- This one might only apply to me / my television -- but when I put "Teletubbies" on for Oliver to watch -- there's this skittering pattern on the left edge of the picture. It looks like a barcode transmission. I think it is programming Oliver's brain. Maybe "TUBBYCUSTARD" will be on the market soon. Great
posted by Carl
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Stolen ATMs and a Trip to the E.R.
posted on: 2008-06-20 at 7:21:00 PM
This has truly been one of the strangest weeks I've experienced in a long time.Monday was setting up nicely, my good friend Erin was visiting her family from Hawaii, and we had planned a morning date to catch up and to show off our kids (where mine is seventeen months and hers has gestated for just over twelve weeks). I was really looking forward to sharing stories of pregnancy, and babies in general. Also, I just wanted to catch up. She is an exceptional woman. Plans got changed, so I ended up spending most of my Monday working on various projects around the house .
So we shot for Tuesday. The plan was for me to pick her up from Gresham (which is like 20 miles from where I live). I went out that morning to grab some breakfast when I realized the grinding sound the brakes on my car were making stopped being annoying -- and started being impossibly horrific. Not only were the brakes scaring bystanders within a block radius, the car couldn't stop without my compensating steering left. Yikes. It sounded like something was tearing through metal. Needless to say, plans changed as I limped over to my mom and dad's w/ Oliver in-tow.
As most Ford Focus owners are aware, their brakes suck. My dad is an engineer / car expert so I always admire his help when I have something to do that involves removing pieces of my car.
As we start to work on the car, the local news van pulls up and asks to interview my dad. The short version is this: Thieves stole an ATM, broke it open, stole the cash, and dumped it in my parent's back yard. WTF? The news had done a report about it the night before, but only video-taped shots of the yard and the ATM -- no interviews. Today, they wanted to get dad on camera and ask a few questions. The rest is history:
So, $90 a news interview, and a few hours of being a grease monkey later, my car has fresh new brakes, a repaired tail light, and a repaired rear seat-belt locking mechanism. The inner Hamm's drinking car mechanic in me was happy (but also broke).
Next day -- everything seems fine. Oliver has been a little terror, however. He WILL NOT go down for his naps without screaming like a rabid hyena. Thank goodness for visual baby-monitors, headphones, and internet radio. About 4pm, I get a call from my brother-in-law, Paul. He was a little "off" to say the least -- but I gathered something happened that involved a table saw and his thumb. I live fairly close by, so I figured it would take him to the E.R. I grabbed the kidd-o, some food and a few toys and headed out. When I got to his house, my sister had just arrived from work, so the four of us were able to make it to the hospital pretty quickly.
Paul was admitted and taken to a room. He cut his thumb pretty badly, and was in a LOT of pain. Oliver fared well. He was boisterous throughout the stay, but overall behaved admirably -- and accepted stickers from a female nurse named Mercedes (who, by the way has never seen License to Drive -- which for a girl with her name to have never seen is a sin in my book).We all left. Paul's thumb was damaged pretty heavily, but whose prognosis is good. They stapled it back shut and said it should fully heal and be functional.
In other news: I'm still jobless -- but I have a great lead that I am pretty sure will become my new career here shortly. I won't speak much about it until it actually happens. Karma can be a bitch sometimes.
posted by Carl
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CHARLTON HESTON DIED!!!
posted on: 2008-04-06 at 3:09:00 AM
My best friend, Chandler (who is sitting right by me), immediately said:
"Maybe now they can finally pry my firearm from my cold dead hand."
Chandler wins. In almost every way.
And also. I had my 33rd birthday party tonight. Good friends, good times.
I have a few hours of booze-sweating before I am able to face the real world. After then: LOTS of pics, and humorous stories.
What what?
posted by Carl
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I am SUPER LAME
posted on: 2008-03-15 at 10:21:00 PM
I feel especially bad because there's a WHOLE LOT to talk about! Every few days, something happens that's noteworthy -- and I tell myself "Hey Carl-- YOU SHOULD TOTALLY BLOG ABOUT THAT." Then a week or so passes, and the buzz of that particular news goes away. BLOGGER-MOMENT RUINED FOREVER!
Well, we'll start at the top. I'm unemployed.
I have been full-time Mr. Mom for over a month now. Being at home all day every day with my son is totally different than what I expected. I love Oliver with all my heart, and he is a really super awesome little man -- but OMG, there is so much that I don't like about being stuck inside these walls with his sorry little butt. As my best friend puts it: "babies are alarm clocks with no snooze button." Every day is dominated by his needs (again, I love him and I wouldn't trade the world to be without him -- but WOW).I get a few moments here and there to get personal things done, but I lose my drive within a few hours and usually "put it off until tomorrow." The reality is slowly sinking in that I need to find a new way to organize my time or my life will remain on pause.
It's almost like I have two needy dependents: my son, and this house. My son lives and breaths, crawls around, screams and needs immediate attention all of the time. This house remains completely still and emotionless -- yet it slowly decomposes and comes into disarray which requires regular, periodic upkeep. It's like fighting a tornado and a hurricane at the same time!
I have applied for about twenty jobs and have been officially declined by one, and have no responses to the others. BLEH. Starting this week, I am officially becoming frustrated.
I think the worst part of my unemployment is that I've slipped into a pretty icky depressive state. I do what I can (take walks, listen to calming music, have hobbies, etc.), but it is still hard to keep a positive outlook. I've been getting quite a bit of therapy through this, and after seeing two doctors and two licensed clinical Psychologists, it has become clear that I suffer from some form of ADD or ADHD (Attention Deficit / Hyperactivity Disorder). The docs think that I have one or both of the following: "Classic ADHD" and "Over-Focused ADHD." Each of which are very different and take opposite kinds of medicines to help quell the symptoms. The doctors are wary to prescribe the wrong one because if I take the "Classic" meds, it could throw me into a panicky state, whereas if I take the "Over-Focused" kind, it could cause me to basically become even more scatterbrained and irritable. I am still awaiting a final diagnosis (hopefully this Friday).
I've been battling this my whole life, so putting the spotlight on my "brain dysfunction" isn't really a big deal to me. But combined with this depression I'm suffering, IT SUCKS.
In other news, I've been slowly selling off things over Ebay. It's very interesting what things are valuable and what things are not. Example: I can't sell a like-new high-quality gaming video card to save my life -- but I can sell a BROKEN 14-year-old sound card! Ebay is like another universe to me. It's very interesting to see how it all works.
I'M FINALLY GOING TO UPDATE MY WEBSITE! WOO HOO! Stay tuned, fools!
posted by Carl
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Laid Off...
posted on: 2008-02-07 at 9:47:00 AM
I've thought this over and over and logically, it's simple: If I stayed on board for two more weeks, I would have been granted about $3000 in the form of a severance package that I am otherwise ineligible for (Feb. 21st would have been my 1st year anniversary). The store will remain open for at least two more weeks, and thus, if I stayed on board, I should have been able to get my severance.
Somebody at the liquidation company made the decision that they as the days dwindle, the number of on-board managers should dwindle as well. Sure, this makes perfect sense -- I'm down with that. However, what doesn't make sense to me is this: There are five managers at my store. I am the least paid and am one of only two that have the experience of closing another store.
Q. Why get rid of the least paid manager who has the most experience closing this store?
A. Because I have the most to lose!
By keeping me on, and not laying off one of the other, more expensive and less experienced managers, the company would have to dole out about $3000 (minus the $500 - $1000 difference in salary) more than if they have not. Apparently, my work in the store isn't worth the $2000 spread over the next 14 days.
But I contest that notion: All I would have to do was make the company about $200 more per day that I am working. I could have totally pulled it off.
This is where my morals and work ethic seem to differ than those of most. When I ran my video game store, if confronted with the option to either watch the bottom-line and cover my own ass .. or to take a risk for one of my employees, I would "take one for the team." In fact, I've done that on a few occasions: I'd protect one of my employees by putting my own job on the line.
The way I see it is this: When you are in a position of control, you call the shots. If someone above you cries "FOUL" and questions your actions, you MANAGE. You explain why-- and one of the dirty little secrets of management is that you can make any bullshit story you want to get your point across. It all comes down to whether the decision was "right" or "wrong," and if the boss was dumb enough to fall for it.
For me, I protected my PEOPLE, not my bottom-line. And my heart is big enough to see the benefit of losing a relatively small bit of money for the sake of helping a good employee's family.
It is very transparent what is happening here. Save a dollar. My work ethic does not apply because I don't make those hard decisions. Somewhere up the chain, someone is making a few hundred dollars more than they would have if they had let me stay on a few more weeks.
HEY, FUCK YOU.
I could play the pity card here, but I won't. I knew this was coming, and no one expected the stores to stay open as long as they have -- so I was never expecting the severance pay as an option until just recently.
Still, I am mad as hell.
posted by Carl
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